Good Perspective From a Parent

This is from a blog I follow and enjoy reading. I particularly liked this post because I am dealing with the whole tattling thing from both girls. You can link from the title to go directly to her page.

Let Them Tattle

I think every parent in the Universe gets tired of trying to teach their kids not to tattle. Here’s the secret. Stop trying to teach them not to tattle. This has to be one of the most fascinating concepts I have learned about parenting lately.

Gossiping - Prating; chatting; running from place to place and tattling. A prating; a running about to collect tales and tattle.

Here are the facts as I see them.

• Parents hate tattling.
• Unless it is information we want, like about a small person with a pair of scissors that is trying to scalp themselves.
• Because that is something we really need to know.
• The problem is that our kids don’t know the difference between something we need to know and just plain gossip.
• Even after we have explained it to them 4,700 times.
• So one minute we are telling them not to tattle and the next minute we are thanking them for tattling.
• No wonder they are confused.

Here is what I learned in Discussion #3.

• Let your kids tattle all they want.
• Then you won’t miss anything you need to know.
• The rest of the time offer lots of sympathy and love.
• “I’m so sorry your brother is annoying. I had annoying brothers too and it is not fun some times.”
• “I’m sorry your sister won’t let you play in her room. It’s not easy being a little sister, is it?”
• Most of the time they just wanted someone to listen to their side of the story with a little empathy.
• They can run off to play knowing that someone cares. Or at least pretended to.*

Teach them to solve their own problems.

If yours kids say, “Ya, but what are you going to do about it.” Tell them, “Nothing. What are you going to do about it?” Once your kids figure out that you aren’t going to try to solve all their problems (because you know it never works anyway) they will stop bringing their problems to you as often. If they really do want help figuring out how to solve a problem with a sibling instead of just trying to get them in trouble then you can sit and problem solve with them.

“Sometimes kids will…(fill in some extreme example like, punch their sibling in the face). Or some kids will… (fill in with some pushover example like, let their sibling always have their way no matter what). And then other kids will… (fill in with a reasonable solution like, take turns). What do you think you will do?” As you go over all the options you can discuss what the outcomes might be with each.

It takes a lot of burden off my shoulders when I don’t get involved in my children’s quarrels. I have tried for years to stay out of them but it’s so hard not to get sucked in when I have to listen to it day in and day out. Now I am finally making this work and it makes me happy.

Sharing

I never make my kids share. I always encourage them to share but I never make them because then it’s not really sharing. It’s a bigger person taking away their stuff and giving it to someone else. Sound familiar? Since this isn’t a political blog I won’t go there.

I’m oh so subtle too when I am encouraging my children to share. “Yes, it would be so nice if your brother would let you have a turn playing with his airplane but he’s choosing not to right now so you just have to accept that.” Sometimes that will guilt the child into sharing and sometimes it doesn’t but at least it is their choice. And when they know they have the freedom to choose then they are much more likely to choose to share. At the very least I, once again, don’t put myself in the middle of their problem.

Taking No For An Answer

At our house when someone tells you no then the answer is no. If you keep asking then your sister will say, “You need to learn to take No for an answer.” Boy does it ever get irritating when she tells you that over and over again. So irritating that you just might stop begging and go bother someone else.

This Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You

I have a son who is very tender hearted and feels horrible when he hurts someone or does something wrong but he doesn’t know how to show it on the outside. It’s like he is so paralized by his feelings that he can’t apologize. I have told him over and over that it helps people feel better and he wouldn’t get in so much trouble if he would just apologize but he can’t make himself do it. Sometimes he will come to me days later and apologize for something. That is how deeply he feels about it and how much he thinks about things.

After talking this over with someone I found that I wasn’t as mean and heartless as I sometimes acted toward my children. I think I have been doing what my son does. I put up a wall toward them to shelter my feelings of sadness. How do you think I feel when my son loses his new basketball a week before basketball season starts? I feel horrible!!! But do I show it? No. I get mad at him instead. And mad at myself for not knowing how to teach him to keep track of his stuff and for not rushing out to buy him a new basketball because I think he would just lose that one too. I act mad about everything when really I am feeling very, very sad.

*So it isn’t pretending when I tell my kids that I am sorry their sibling is being rude or I’m sorry that they will have to do dishes again because they didn’t get it passed off when they were supposed to. I really do feel bad and I’m learning how to show it.

The End

Happy Mother's Day

God has blessed me with such a wonderful family. My sweet husband gave me a great day of pampering and spending time with the family, which is nothing new for him. He shows me daily his appreciation and love for me, don't be jealous. =)

Coming back from a long vacation is taking time to get back in the swing of things but we are all slowing coming around. I still need to post the last couple of days in Hawaii, it was an amazing trip! I hope to post soon.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers who are so deserving of so much more than one day a year. God is great and it is so evident in the job we do each and every day!

Hawaii Day 8

Aloha again and today was be like the locals day.... meaning just hang out and not do much of anything, except we do not have any tattoos. We had a very laid back day. First we started out with a little tennis, the weather was overcast because of the vog, then we did some driving around and hit a little market we found. Then we had the best burger, one of our top three for sure, it was called surf and turf burger....yummy. Then we took a nap, why not with such a busy day. We then headed down to hang out at the hot tub and pool. We then headed out and ate some great sushi for dinner and now a relaxing evening. Tomorrow is snorkeling and enjoying our last official full day in paradise. Aloha

Hawaii Day 6 & 7

We were so tired that I did not have the energy to post yesterday so I am combining days. Day 6 we headed toward the other side of the island to Hilo district. There is a huge Famers Market, where we did some shopping and tried some great local food. When then headed to Akaka Falls where we hiked down to get a better view and it was beautiful, unfortunaetly part of the trail was closed so we could only go so far. The tropical forest is amazing, the ferns that grow here are as big as trees. We then headed to Rainbow Falls, which was a very short hike and pretty, but a little disappointing. After that, we drove to Volcano Inn and checked in, then headed to Kalapana, where there is active lava flow. You drive through a rough road to the trail head. They reccomend going at sunset to see the red lave flow running into the ocean. The hike was 3/4 of a mile where is roped off, from there you see the action and the steam bellowing up from the ocean. Pictures do not capture this amazing event. We then drove back to Volcano Inn, but stopped to eat in Pahoa at a place called Kaleo's. They had live music and the food was awesome!!

Day 7- we woke up and were not impressed with the place we stayed (no ac or fans), but it was close to the volcano and cheap. You get what you pay for! =) We tried a local place for breakfast, and we realize that no one is in a hurry around this place. Every time we eat out, the wait to get food is very long (i.e. 45 min for 2 eggs and fried rice), you get really hungry having to wait. Anyway, we hit another little local market for some gifts and then headed out to Volcano National Park. Part of the park road was closed due to hazaderous vog (sulfur and carbon dioxide), emitted from the active volcano. We got to see the Thurston Lava tube, Devastaion Trail, and Chain of Craters Road. Anthony also did a solo hike down into the Kilauea Iki Crater to walk on the crater floor in a volcano. Again the pics do not do this place justice. We then headed back to the other side to Kona. We are planning on having a relaxing evening grilling out and watching the sunset from the pool. I feel so blessed! Missing the girls and were able to webcam with them briefly the other day, they miss us whether they act like it or not. =) Aloha

Hawaii Day 5

Aloha again! Today we traveled to the southern most point of the US called Ka Lae. On the way we came across a farm with all different types of animals and bought some goodies they had for sell. After scoping out the southern most point, windmills, horses and spectacular views, we drove down a long winding road. We drove as far as we could then we had to hike 2.5 miles along the rocky cliffs of the ocean to a place called Green Sand Beach in Mahana Bay. It was not too bad of a hike and the scenery is so worth it, but the waves were brutal as well as the undertow. We then hiked back out and drove to Pu'uhonua o Honaunan National State Park. It has ruins and a place were sea turtles come up on the beach. It was a long day, so we topped it off with Anthony preparing a fabulous grilled dinner and then hanging out at the hot tub with some really nice people, some were local and others from FL. It was a great day and we are starting to really miss the girls but have a wonderful time. It is amazing how beautiful this place is, and how God is so gracious enough to let us enjoy this fabulous place. Praise be to God and imagine how heaven will exceed our expectations beyond our most wildest dreams, especially in such a wonderous place as this.

Hawaii Day 4

Today was packed with hiking, beaches, light house, & star gazing. First we headed to Pololu Valley which had amazing views and then went to Light House Beach which was treacherous to get to, but the rental car made it. We then drove to Waipio Valley where we did a steep hike down to the valley and beach. The hike was a 25% grade for a solid mile, which might not sound like much, but trust me it was disturbingly steep. Then we had to hike 2 more miles to get to the beach. It was breathtaking black sand beach with a beautiful valley surrounded by mountains with a couple of waterfalls. After seeing wild horses and hanging out on the beach we headed back up that steep mountain. I did not think I was going to make it, but we did. We then headed to the highest point in Hawaii called Mauna Kea (13,796 ft.). We did the Star Gazing Program at the observatory at 9,000 ft. It was amazing, but cold at that altitude, but we planned for it and took our fleece jackets and pants. The one picture of the moon Anthony took from looking into the telescope. After seeing an amazing star filled sky when then headed home. The road was dark and winding. After several miles we almost ran over a family of wild boars. They were huge and scared us to death, but luckily no human or pig was hurt.