I think every parent in the Universe gets tired of trying to teach their kids not to tattle. Here’s the secret. Stop trying to teach them not to tattle. This has to be one of the most fascinating concepts I have learned about parenting lately.
Gossiping - Prating; chatting; running from place to place and tattling. A prating; a running about to collect tales and tattle.
Here are the facts as I see them.
- Parents hate tattling.
- Unless it is information we want, like about a small person with a pair of scissors that is trying to scalp themselves.
- Because that is something we really need to know.
- The problem is that our kids don’t know the difference between something we need to know and just plain gossip.
- Even after we have explained it to them 4,700 times.
- So one minute we are telling them not to tattle and the next minute we are thanking them for tattling.
- No wonder they are confused.
Here is what I learned in Discussion #3.
- Let your kids tattle all they want.
- Then you won’t miss anything you need to know.
- The rest of the time offer lots of sympathy and love.
- “I’m so sorry your brother is annoying. I had annoying brothers too and it is not fun some times.”
- “I’m sorry your sister won’t let you play in her room. It’s not easy being a little sister, is it?”
- Most of the time they just wanted someone to listen to their side of the story with a little empathy.
- They can run off to play knowing that someone cares. Or at least pretended to.*
Teach them to solve their own problems.
If yours kids say, “Ya, but what are you going to do about it.” Tell them, “Nothing. What are you going to do about it?” Once your kids figure out that you aren’t going to try to solve all their problems (because you know it never works anyway) they will stop bringing their problems to you as often. If they really do want help figuring out how to solve a problem with a sibling instead of just trying to get them in trouble then you can sit and problem solve with them.
“Sometimes kids will…(fill in some extreme example like, punch their sibling in the face). Or some kids will… (fill in with some pushover example like, let their sibling always have their way no matter what). And then other kids will… (fill in with a reasonable solution like, take turns). What do you think you will do?” As you go over all the options you can discuss what the outcomes might be with each.
It takes a lot of burden off my shoulders when I don’t get involved in my children’s quarrels. I have tried for years to stay out of them but it’s so hard not to get sucked in when I have to listen to it day in and day out. Now I am finally making this work and it makes me happy.
Sharing
I never make my kids share. I always encourage them to share but I never make them because then it’s not really sharing. It’s a bigger person taking away their stuff and giving it to someone else. Sound familiar? Since this isn’t a political blog I won’t go there.
I’m oh so subtle too when I am encouraging my children to share. “Yes, it would be so nice if your brother would let you have a turn playing with his airplane but he’s choosing not to right now so you just have to accept that.” Sometimes that will guilt the child into sharing and sometimes it doesn’t but at least it is their choice. And when they know they have the freedom to choose then they are much more likely to choose to share. At the very least I, once again, don’t put myself in the middle of their problem.
Taking No For An Answer
At our house when someone tells you no then the answer is no. If you keep asking then your sister will say, “You need to learn to take No for an answer.” Boy does it ever get irritating when she tells you that over and over again. So irritating that you just might stop begging and go bother someone else.
This Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You
I have a son who is very tender hearted and feels horrible when he hurts someone or does something wrong but he doesn’t know how to show it on the outside. It’s like he is so paralized by his feelings that he can’t apologize. I have told him over and over that it helps people feel better and he wouldn’t get in so much trouble if he would just apologize but he can’t make himself do it. Sometimes he will come to me days later and apologize for something. That is how deeply he feels about it and how much he thinks about things.
After talking this over with someone I found that I wasn’t as mean and heartless as I sometimes acted toward my children. I think I have been doing what my son does. I put up a wall toward them to shelter my feelings of sadness. How do you think I feel when my son loses his new basketball a week before basketball season starts? I feel horrible!!! But do I show it? No. I get mad at him instead. And mad at myself for not knowing how to teach him to keep track of his stuff and for not rushing out to buy him a new basketball because I think he would just lose that one too. I act mad about everything when really I am feeling very, very sad.
*So it isn’t pretending when I tell my kids that I am sorry their sibling is being rude or I’m sorry that they will have to do dishes again because they didn’t get it passed off when they were supposed to. I really do feel bad and I’m learning how to show it.
The End
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