Awarness...

October 15th  is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day...so I thought I would share my story with you....

I was rolled into the OR for my D&C on Dec 9th 2008 at about 10 am. I had been in a complete state of shock and living in a fog for about 5 days since the day they found no heart beat. This is how it went....
Mr. Masters and I had been very excited to be expecting our third child even though I had been terribly sick the entire pregnancy. I was 16 weeks along going for a routine checkup so Mr. M stayed home with the girls while I went to the doctor visit. It was an early appointment and had the nurse put that little machine to my belly to hear the heart beat. My first two pregnancies were perfect and "normal", so after she tried for 20 minutes to find a sound, I started to get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. They decided to do an ultrasound to see what was going on. As it goes the ultrasound tech was not in yet and I had to sit in this little room for 45 minutes. This was an extremely difficult waiting period and I kept thinking, praying, and crying. A part of me kept saying that this is not really happening....the other part of me knew that my little one was gone. As I sat in that room, going through every box of tissue, I knew that God was right there with me and I had peace in knowing that no matter what He had me and would take care of me, but the sadness was still there of course. Finally the tech arrived and so as I am up on the table then something told me to look out the window and not at the screen. I am thankful that I did because they were unable to find a heart beat. It was strange to hear total silence and the ultrasound tech did not know what to do but there is nothing she really could do. I keep staring out the window because I just keep telling myself that God has a plan for me.

I was told to meet the nurse in her office for a 15 minute session of "grief counseling". The entire time I was in her office I did not hear one word that came out of her mouth. I kept staring at a pregnant barbie on the shelf in her office. She asked if she should call someone to drive me and I told her that was not necessary and I left.

I was still processing and Mr. M kept calling me because I had been gone too long but I could not bring myself to answer the phone. I sat in the car in the parking lot for a long time thinking how I would not get to hold my little one. The sadness was overwhelming so I just sat there thinking about how in the world I was going to tell Mr. Masters....

I found my way home through tears and seeing Mr. M for the first time I just collapsed in his arms. I was so upset I do not think I could get the words out of my mouth but finally managed to say we lost the baby. He just held me and Lula kept asking why is mommy crying? How do you explain that one to your pre-schooler?

After a little while I had started on the process of how do we tell everyone what has happened?!? I finally decided that I did not want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I needed time and so I sent a mass email explaining what we were facing.

My body was not even aware anything was wrong and continued to be pregnant. Since I was 16 weeks along my belly was already showing and they could not schedule a D&C for 5 whole days. I think that was the worst part of the entire situation was having to wait it out so that they could take this lifeless body out of me. I stayed in my room a lot during those days and Mr. Masters was sweet enough to cover the mirrors so I did not have to look at my little pregnant belly.

I am so proud of Mr. Masters because he took care of me, the girls, the house, and even brought me food in bed so I did not have to leave my room. He also was gracious enough to take care of all the food, visitors, and everyone that reached out to us. He also got stuck taking the kids to every b-day party, I think we had 4 planned for those couple of weeks. So he definitely became Mr. Mom and rocked it. I thank God for that man everyday!!!

So as the days slowly rolled by I spent a lot of time by myself and with God. It was easy to talk to God and be with Him. I did not have to see any one's sad eyes when they looked at me or feel that awkwardness. I was not sure if I could ever face anyone again at that point but slowly I started to come around but had that dreaded procedure ahead of me.

The doctor that was available for the procedure was new to the practice and I had never meet him. He was very nice and sweet. He made me feel comfortable and told me everything that he was he going to do. So I left Mr. M in the waiting room and walked back through this huge double doors.

I remember right before they put me to sleep that I started to cry and could feel the tears running down the sides of my face. I kept thinking that I wish they would check for a heart beat one last time because maybe they missed something and that the baby was fine. There were complications with the procedure and I hemorrhaged. It took the doc a long time to get the bleeding under control. Thankfully no transfusion required and they finally rolled me into recovery. The doctor went to tell Mr. M about the complications but that I was fine and he almost passed out. He does not handle it well when something happens to me. He was a nervous wreck and wanted to see me but couldn't until I was out of recovery. This is the email he sent, which I kept because it was so very sweet...

This in Anthony.

I am sending this from Northside Hospital (they have free wi-fi) to let everyone know Tessa is stable after her surgery and is a recovery room. It will still be a couple of hours in the recovery room before I can see her. However, the surgeon told me that she is stable, but had some abnormal complications with hemmorhaging (blood loss for us non-medical types). So, they have gotten that stabilized and they are watching her extra close. He said he will let me know more in a couple more hours to see if he feels comfortable releasing her or wants to admit her overnight for close observations tonight.

So, I am praising God for taking care of my sweetheart, and I am still praying for quick and complete recovery - both physically and emotionally. And I am praying that I get to see her soon and give her a kiss and hug.

I am also praising God for blessing us with such wonderful, caring, and compassionate friends and family, to pray for us and do many many thoughtful things for us both over the past few days as we are dealing with this news. Thank you Lord and thank you to all of you!!!! As of this morning, Tessa is still very sad and griefing and that is okay. So, we also thank you all for allowing her some time as she still does not feel like talking to anyone.

As I sit here in the hospital, I am reflecting on God's great power and mercy. I had been praying for the several weeks of this pregnancy for a healthy baby, and honestly not a boy (to many's surprise), and for what ever reason (I can ask Him one day - and trust me I will be on the look out for a tiny tiny baby that looks like me or Tessa too), He may have been answering a prayer as from all the literature I have read (and they have a lot on-line and a phamplet they gave us this morning in the hospital) it seems like this is (as doctors refer to it) "nature's" way of not having an unhealthy baby and for some reason (most likely chromosonal or some genetic issue) some problems arose during the development stages in the womb that just caused the development and heart to stop. Simply - God is in control, not us.

I have also been told of many stories of this happening to many different people and been told statistics of about 25% to 33% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, sometimes before the mother even knows she is pregnant. We are thankful to all the friends and family for sharing their stories with us over the past few days as it reminds us that we are not alone. But it does still hurt and it will still take time to come to grips with this on our own terms and in our own ways. Thank you for your patience and kindness through this difficult time. We will endear and have faith and have grown closer together through this. I am a believer that God still heals and take comfort in that.

My apologies for sending this mass e-mail rather than personally contacting each of you. But if you know me - I am not a phone person (actually can be socially awkward sometimes in person too.. LOL), I am too cheap to use my cell phone minutes to call this many people, and I am actually not in a good condition to talk to anyone too much right anyway as I am still very concerned for Tessa in this condition and want to see her very badly.

With Love,

Anthony Masters

I woke up shaking uncontrollably and strapped down to the bed because they were afraid I would fall out of the bed. I felt so terrible, weak, and sick. After a couple of hours they rolled me into my room. They finally let Mr. M in and I remember vividly that he sat right by my bed and would not let go of my hand. The doctor came in to explain what happened and that he recommend that I stay over night. All I wanted to do was be home so that I did not have to see or interact with anyone. So we decided to leave.
We got home late that night but glad to go home and hold our girls. I am thankful for God working on me and through me during this time in my life. I was brought to my knees but I knew that God was there for me every step of the way. I am thankful for the love of our family, friends, and community. We felt overwhelmed with how everyone prayed, helped, and loved on us. We are truly blessed and I know that I am one step closer to who God wants me to be because of this experience and God is the only reason I got through it. Things could have always been worse and I am truly thankful.
One bible verse that I clung too during this time was Philippans 4:4 REJOICE IN THE LORD ALWAYS, I WILL SAY IT AGAIN REJOICE.
Another is Hebrews 11:6
But without Faith it is impossible to please Him; for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

It always gives me comfort to seek Him...I am a tremendously blessed women who is so undeserving of His love. I am also blessed to say that we were able to go on and have a beautiful healthy baby boy that is definitely keeping us on our toes, he just turned 9 months. I am also thankful that I am now comfortable to talk to others about my experience and hopefully help others. I always hear of people going through things but never really felt there pain until going through pain myself. This enables me to be more aware of other peoples pain and that just because I have not gone through some ones particular situation to have that compassion for those that are hurting in many many different ways and circumstances. Don't you love how God molds us and shapes us.

Gods way is not always our way but He is all knowing and that gives me comfort. It also comforts me that with the right motives and heart God wants to bless us and answer our prayers. God is patient and just waiting for me to catch up. =)

Sorry for the long post just felt compelled to share. Please pray this month for those who have lost a pregnancy or infant/child. There are many that suffer in silence and others that do not know Him, which is sad and a burden on my heart because God is the only way I get through my trials.